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yakalskovich) wrote2012-10-14 08:41 pm
yakalskovich) wrote2012-10-14 08:41 pm
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As we pass the massive amount of gaping plot holes...
... in 'Snow White And The Huntsman', let me list some of them:
- Queens habitually become impregnated by magical rose-bushes. Or is that a metaphor for the common people?
- If you leave somebody in a dark hole for years, they'll grow up a civilised person with good skills and sensible clothes.
- Wearing sturdy leather trousers under her skirts as a matter of course.
- Find a magical white horse lying on a beach randomly when you need it.
- Then ride it through the dark landscape so you stand out like lightning.
- When you are pursued into a swamp, the horse will sacrifice its life for you like Atreyu's horse. Exactly like Atreyu's horse, in fact.
- The Huntsman may be the drunkard, but Snow White is definitely the one taking drugs, to judge from what she sees in the Dark Forest.
- A ginormous battle-axe is of course the best thing to hold to somebody's throat in threat!
- On the other hand, you can't kill somebody with a ginormous battle-axe once you've thrown them into the pool at the roots of the drugs-tree.
- Always spit in your hand before shaking on a deal; if the other person overcomes their revulsion, they really care about what your deal is about.
- Oh yay the duke's son borrowed some of Hawkeye's 'splodey arrows!
- The Huntsman just replaced Aragorn in our estimation as Dirtbag Prime of movie-land.
- You can always cut off somebody's skirts as they will wear sensible leather trousers underneath, and not bare legs which will then be fatally scratched by brambles and go septic.
- You always hire a fighter who just killed his predecessor. Killing predecessors is how one gets hired as a fighter.
- A poor smelly drunken peasant can of course afford to be armed with any number of shiny blade.
- The Nazgul says that the troll is just like the Chief Cave Troll at her kendo dôjô. Including the part where the troll will just walk away when stared at by some chick.
- Veiled swamp ladies naturally have access to fine and shiny brightly coloured clothes. Especially living in neolithic stilt houses.
- To have scars on her face makes a woman instantly a) totally not beautiful and b) worthless.
- The Nazgul says every second item on this list should be "The Huntsman needs to wash already!"
- At night, the veiled swamp women all wear special dark clothes.
- Turning back from his epic sulk when he sees the burning to avenge what he totally refused to protect is really sensible behaviour. On the other hand, it's Eric. He never washes, either, which is sensible behaviour as well. If you're a huntsman, you must reek so badly any animal will catch your scent a full mile against the wind.
- When you're being raided by random barbarians, your best course is to put magic on your little daughter so she will always be beautiful. Revenge is apparently always preferable to actually defending whatever it is you care about.
- Pink stockings. Bright pink stockings. And bright blue ones! Commonly worn by outcasts and forest-dwellers.
- Little chirping animals can still be used without the slightest bit of irony.
- Powerful nature nowadays, however, must look a bit as if it was from Pandora.
- Oh, and she has sensible boots as well! So sensible she's excused to look at butterflies while everybody else effin' works!
- The White Hart is apparently some sort of Jesus Kitty's expy.
- The thing about The One is getting old.
- Snow White isn't even that beautiful. On the contrary, she's Kristen Stewart.
- How did the Queen even get there, and why not just kill Snow White outright?
- Drugs! More drugs! This whole movie is about drugs, really. Or at least about addiction.
- The Huntsman now looks as if he'd been forcibly washed -- but when and where? Also, why is it suddenly winter?
- You always throw away empty wine skins. Especially in churches. It's not as if you'd need them again.
- Can I say 'needlessly messianic'?
- Complete with Theoden grade battle-rousing speech.
- How did they have that much shiny armour stockpiled? They're the rebels, after all!
- The whole army rides horses!
- How come she hasn't even talked to poor Eric before they're on the beach, before the attack? They rode the entire way from wherever the duke's castle was together.
- Also, Eric still is comparatively clean -- but why have they failed to even give him chainmail? Poor man!
- Pickaxes are of course weapons. No jokes. The Scythians had battle pickaxes -- to be used from horseback, though.
- Again with the splodey. Perhaps excused, this time, as it's meant to be magic?
- Hello chainmail miniskirt! Complete with riding slits, though.
- Fighting the ceiling -- oh yes, that's a new one!
- Why is her sceptre a twig of pale roses?
- Eric, finally washed, looks like a shorn sheep -- the Nazgul says.
- This is NOT a plot hole, but: I really love how nobody 'gets' anybody. There is a sort-of love triangle here -- but it's never resolved. Also, Eric and William get on very well. If I had time for anything, I could write fic where Snow agonises about which one to pick, ultimately, suffused with the Christian/pagan conflict in this movie, swaying between Christian chastity and purity (which latter seems to be part of her powers) and heathen fecundity and sexual magic -- and then, she finds them with each other. Unfortunately, I don't have time right now...
- Not a plot hole either: song at the end is awesome, bought it from Amazon now!
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The Dark Forest stuff, I think was... when she falls in the forest, there's like a release of spores from the ground? I think that was supposed to be the origin of her hallucinations. And the mirror is either self-delusion or simply metaphorical. The queen is obsessed with beauty, so her mirror literally tells her what to do.
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